peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
