Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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