i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize