I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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