someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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