I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
