btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
