Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize