My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
