Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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