I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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