i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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