I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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