I love black thongs
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
