Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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