Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
