girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
