do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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