we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
