I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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