I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
