Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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