if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
