Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I did not marry a roomba.
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