i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
