I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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