so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
