Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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