you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
