Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
