FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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