Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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