My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Someone shattered a urinal.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
