What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
how does that bad decision feel?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
