i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize