she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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