i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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