the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
