I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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