i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
either way he was missing a nipple.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
