I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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