I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
