next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
