its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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