Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
