Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
