i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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