So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
