The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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