i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize