i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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