it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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