Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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