Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
