i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
