Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I have already put on my inside pants.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
