the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
