I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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