She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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