You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
