You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
