ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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