apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
