I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
