Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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