My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
