I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
