Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
