Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
