jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We had sex on a dog bed..
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
