dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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