Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
