can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
