my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize